For the past 11 months, I have been reading every piece of literature I have been able to get my hands on to potentially prepare myself to have a healthy child. I did everything I thought I was suppose to do in order to "prepare" myself for the road ahead.
*March 2015
- IUD removed
*April 2015
- Prenatal Vitamins with Folic Acid started
*May 2015
- Physical and blood work to make sure body was in good shape.
-Appointment with OBGYN for Pap Smear and go over anything I could have been missing for pre baby check list
*June 2015
-Started job with full benefits
- Apparently going to the dentist is on the check list on things to do before TTC.... check
* October 2015
- The journey of TTC began....
* December 16 2015 just got my third BFN (Big FAT Negative...)
Before I started this journey, I never knew how hard it could be to get pregnant. After spending almost a year reading all the different blogs and threads and hash tagged TTC posts on instagram, I've been hesitant to even talk about my personal TTC journey on the internet- people try for years and years with countless heartaches and misfortunes while I am just starting this journey. I see meme's making fun of people stressing about not being pregnant cycle one...ok...well... cycle 4 is coming up- when do I get to voice my feelings and concerns??
Let's be real- we are ALL on a journey... we all have feelings and it's not fair to bash someone and tell them that their feelings are invalid because they have only been trying for 3 cycles.
I work in the medical field... I understand any and every outcome for this process... and it scares the holy mess out of me. All the worst case scenarios run through my mind almost daily and nothing anyone can say nor do can make me "relax". .I have a loved one who has spend 7 years TTC and gone through numerous fertility treatments and has yet to hold her bundle of joy that she has prayed so long for.
If one more person tells me to just relax and let it happen, or my favorite " just don't think about it" I might just snap! How am I suppose to just relax? I've been doing everything I thought I needed to do- everything had been meticulously calculated to a T...aside for the fact that, well... I'm just not pregnant.
The family and friends know I am on the journey and have been
supportive- I worry about stressing/ annoying them with my worry. But
for those who don't know about conception and the struggle and worry it
causes PLEASE for the love of God, refrain from these questions... I
understand not all people understand the heartache and struggle that
people go through... but do not ask the following questions:
1) Asked by my loving grandmother "Do you know it IT works??"
- yes grandmother, I do know the science behind conception extremely
well. I understand my body and know when ovulation is coming/here. I
know it's important to have the sperm waiting for the egg to be
released. I know possibly too much
2) " Are you pregnant yet?
- That would be a negative ghost rider. I can promise you when I am, the world will know -.- please do not ask me this- it's possible that my mind is preoccupied with non baby making material and I'd like to enjoy my moments of not stressing out :)
3) "Why are you stressing? You know it's going to happen"
- No ma'am, I do not know if it will happen. SO many women and men struggle with fertility issues. SO many women and men keep their mouths shut about this because it's pretty much equal to He Who Shall Not Be Named from Harry Potter. It seems as though just saying the words "fertility issue" puts a hex on you. I am not God and I do not have all the answers.
With working in the healthcare field, I see people overcome many hurdles in life. I know I will get through this, I know God has a plan for me... I just wish He would sometimes let me peek at it so I could know that I'm at least somewhat close to where I'm suppose to be. I know God would not put motherhood so heavy on my heart if it was not in His plan.
Sorry for the long blog post, I wanted to get a general idea across about the naked truth of where I'm standing in life. I hope and pray for support and strength through this journey :)
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